14> "Just a Fresca for me, thanks."

13> "Can't hang out, man.  Gotta take little Timmy here to
     ballet class."

12> "Let's go with the plain white enamel crown, please."

11> "Oops, my briefs are showing!"

10> "Coco Chanel always said to look in the mirror before leaving
     the house and remove at least one piece of jewelry."

9> "Ain't no such thing as 'too much banjo.'"

8> "Hey, you're going to damage the needle doing that!
     Just let it play!"

7> "Who's up for 'Pictionary'?"

6> "Man, turn that bass down.  I can scarcely hear myself think!"

5> "No... thank YOU, officer.  I believe I *have* learned a
     valuable lesson this time."

4> "This Zima is the shiznizzle, but two is my limit."

3> "We can't record it this way, with all of these grammatical
     errors -- for gosh sakes, we're role models!"

2> "Heavens to Betsy, ladies!  Put some clothes on!
     You'll catch your death of cold!!"


and the Number 1 Thing You Seldom Hear Rappers Say...


1> "Now wave your hands in the air like you're trying to catch
     fireflies on a warm Cape Cod summer evening!"

7> Kitty's hair balls contain absolutely no hair, but smell
    suspiciously of Captain Morgan.

6> Your Chihuahua has the shakes. I mean REALLY has the shakes.

5> Your turtle has Courtney Love's pager number on speed-dial.

4> Mr. Fluffy and his hamster wheel are now powering half of
    Cincinnati.

3> Your dog not only caught the Doritos truck, he drove it back
    to warehouse to be refilled.

2> The hyenas keep asking the giraffes if they're high, then
    giggle uncontrollably.

    and the Number 1 Sign An Animal Is an Addict...


1> "Brach, Polly wants some crack...brach!"

A new survey shows Nebraskans are the second happiest citizens in the U.S.  We would have been number one if it wasn't for road construction and Husker men's basketball.


Actor Charlie Sheen is spending some time in rehab “as a preventative measure”, according to his publicist. It seems a little late; kind of like Yoko Ono taking singing lessons.


This just in: Tiger is planning on another press conference to apologize for boring the heck out of everybody for 13 minutes.


ABC News will cut between 300 and 400 staffers.  Many affected employees plan to get out of journalism entirely.  They’ve already sent their resumes over to MSNBC

18> Electricity keeps going out when elk land on the power lines.

17> Killer Bees no longer seem all that bad compared to quickly
    spreading infestation of Killer Whales.

16> Miniature tornadoes caused by dogs chasing their tails in
    midair.

15> Wile E. Coyote finally has poultry for dinner.

14> The next big California earthquake is caused by Shamu nodding
    off at 5000 feet.

13> Two words: carrier poodles

12> The migrating wildebeests are disrupting your satellite
    reception of ESPN again.

11> Sarah Palin suddenly enjoys aerial wolf hunting.

10> Shrinking icecaps would no longer drown polar bears, so my
    teenage daughter Greenella von Treehugger might let me turn
    the home thermostat above 58 degrees in February.

9> The annual pilgrimage turns into a desperate evacuation
    when the lions return to Capistrano.

8> Porsche sales down 95%; Pegasus sales up 995%.

7> Utter dejection in coach when it becomes apparent that the
    elephants in first class ate all the damned honey roasted
    peanuts.

6> Kite-flying competition called on account of cats.

5> New York vendors would do a booming business in ratswatters.

4> Even Captain Sullenberger can't land the plane after hitting
    a flock of llamas.

3> No way Punxsutawney Phil puts up with that same crap year
    after year.

2> Courtney Love no longer dismissed derisively when she calls
    911 to report flying hippos.


                    and the Number 1
             Difference If Other Animals Could Fly...


1> Buffalo wings no longer baffle Jessica Simpson.

Just over a week ago, Yellow Tail wine announced they will donate $100,000 to the Humane Society of the United States.  This organization has vowed to do away with animal agriculture. We don't take to kindly to folks like that here at KRVN, so I'm posting this video courtesy of he Nebraska Corn Board.  Find out the proper way to dispose of Yellow Tail in this video.